II

I’m 24 and this year I questioned the meaning of my existence for the first time in my  life. Understanding of death as an inescapable truth was absorbed by me in an  unconscious manner, by osmosis so to speak. Slowly but thoroughly. 

Imagine Truman Show. When Mary J. payed me a visit early in the morning I watched my life in fast-forward, hovering in the air on a level of a 3-floor building. It  was a rewind of thousands of fragments of my life since early childhood which I  never recalled before. An intrusive idea started to go in circles in my head: “You will  never go back there. These moments have passed and gone away. You will never  be this little. You are only getting older and closer to death. One day it will be all  over. What would be left after you? Where would your soul be? Will it remember your  unique being?” 

Irvin D. Yalom, an American existential psychiatrist once asked his client what  bothered him most and the client replied: “The next five billion years with my  absence.”

For more than 6 months I was imagining in fear what would the world be like after my  death. Every time I laid down in bed my heart was beating like a drum, unpleasant  thoughts were escalating, anxiety was getting worse. A lump in my throat and  unreleased fear lead to panic attacks. It’s when your mind and everything around  splits into millions of pieces like myriads of stars in the sky, you move away from  yourself in the space. You see a grand Earth and realize how miserable you are and  worthless your life is. There are almost 8 billion people on the planet. Why am I  special? Nothing will change the day after I die. 

Now looking back, I understand-that night was a special moment in my life. I felt  guilty for so long, I couldn’t stop but regret that day until I reversed my perception of  life and death. Now I send my gratitude to the universe for this experience. I’ll tell you why. 

23 September 2021 I went to the cinema to watch Dune with friends. Universe. Another reality. Future. You know… My recent panic attack (30 seconds). I think I’m too emotional. Ironically it ended once one of the characters said, “The mystery of life isn’t a problem to solve, but a reality to experience.” I’m dazed. It’s surprising how a phrase can change your mind…and “fear is the mind killer”. Goddamn, Denis Villeneuve where have you been all this time?

III 

 The biggest thing I learned during this period – Acceptance. And the reason why it  took so long to accept is not directly fear of death, but a dread of unknown. Sigmund Freud would call it unheimlich or uncanny, which refers to something that  is both known and unknown at the same time and can be brought to light some day. Therefore, death can be seen as enigma, similar to birth, as the end mirrors the  beginning. Humans are programmed to come to this world and leave it at some  point. We all embrace our birth; we celebrate it every year but get terrified by the  mere memory of death. 

All best moments and achievements in my life happened when I wasn’t ready, when  I had no plan, when I left my comfort zone. Amusing. Maybe our unavoidable death  is instead a light at the end of a tunnel? I don’t know. But I like to think so.  

I learnt to accept both good and bad experiences in my life and perceive them as  equal entities. There is no good or bad, there is life, a spectrum full of challenges,  obstacles, and obscurity. What important is how you grasp the reality. “Beauty is in  the eye of the beholder”, they say. And I would agree.  

See beauty in fears, find it in pain, find it in tears! Everything is made up of energy. Energy is motion. Collect energy from all things that cannot kill you. Learn how to transform it on your own behalf and move. 

I would like to share with you few secrets I learnt: 

1-Accept. Fall in love with sad days, bad mood, mad people. Love today. 1. Write. The best decision I made recently is to keep a diary like I used to when I  was 7. Magic happens when a pen touches paper, the light blinks in your head and  sends a signal to a hand, an intangible thought takes a form. Don’t think what to  write, just write. It helps to release. Share all your feelings when needed, let the  worries escape and the happiness to ground. Write unsent letters to people. You will  be surprised how much you need to let go. Treat it as the most loyal psychotherapist you have.

2-Talk to others. One day this summer we were laying down at the beach with my mom under the  star-laden sky. I was so scared about my panic attacks I haven’t told anyone about  them during all this time. I thought no one would understand. I confessed and she  told me that death is the biggest fear she has. She never raised this topic so I can  come to understand myself. 

3-Pay attention to details. Hear what nature whispers in your ears, listen carefully  what others say (even in the movies), read between lines, look at art and all the  other beautiful things around you. There are so many messages hidden and if come  closer and find that golden seed an author planted in his work you will enter an  ephemeral web which connects all of us together by invisible red threads.

4-Be grateful. Always find what to be grateful for at the end of the day to yourself  and a world around you. Gratitude is a key to appreciation. The more I appreciate  simple things – the more I value my journey.

5-Make yourself your own best friend.  

03 November 2021 Right now I’m finishing this text, my cry of heart. In the morning I went to paddle again. I caught the first baby waves of the season and  ended up fighting with the wind for more than an hour trying to come back to the coast. When will I have a chance to see this magnificent beauty and feel the power of the  sea if not in this lifetime? I want to be here and now and grasp every gift of this  unique and unpredictable journey called life.

Words by: Evangelina Mavrina