Undesired and Tired
A Prelude to Sexuality in the 21st Century

by Tatiana E.M

Jane and Mark have been living together for slightly over a year now. The honeymoon phase, which is rightfully called a phase, is now over. They no longer look at each other through pink- coloured glasses – the favourably disposed opinions that the majority of us have at the beginning of every relationship. Maybe, one could argue that in that phase, we are so in love, that we fail to see the other person’s flaws, or perhaps the person tints your vision slightly for you to see them in a better light. It is like taking a photo with a filter, but for personality. Potentially, it could be a bit of both. But what happens when emotions stop running wild or to better put it, other emotions like anger set in? This is what it sounds like:

J: I’m upset and angry!
M: What’s wrong?
J: I don’t want to talk about it.
M: Tell me.
J: I don’t even know how to start this conversation. There’s a lot of shame surrounding this topic.
M: You know that you can tell me anything.
J: I know that I can and I do. The problem is that you do not tell me everything!
M: I do!
J: No, you don’t!
M: What are you talking about?
J: I’m talking about your pornography habits!
M: But I haven’t watched porn in ages!
J: That’s not true! You watched porn when I was at work!
M: No, I didn’t!
J: So now you’re gonna lie to me about it too?!
M: I swear! I didn’t!
J: You don’t have the courage to admit that you did but you do have the courage to lie to me in
my face!
M: How do you know? Did you check my computer?
J: OH MY GOD! That already proves that you did!
M: Ok, I did.
J: So now you did?! We live together and the moment I leave for work and you’re left alone, you
turn to pornography.
M: But it’s a need.
J: Yeah, it’s a need which doesn’t arise when I’m around. No pun intended here.
M: So I watched porn. What’s the big deal anyway? All guys watch porn. It’s common.
J: If something is common, it doesn’t mean that it’s good. Anyway, the deal is that you don’t seek
me – you prefer watching porn to having sex with me.

M: That’s not true.
J: Yes, it is. So why did you watch porn?
M: I just felt like it – it’s a need.
J: I’m getting too overwhelmed. Let’s continue this conversation another time.

An outsider’s perspective

Why does Jane begin the conversation by stating that she is “upset and angry”? From a psychological standpoint, she feels upset because most likely, she is blaming herself for Mark’s habits. On the other hand, she feels angry. This is a sign of holding someone else responsible for an action she thinks is wrong. So what we see here are mixed emotions. In addition to the sadness and anger, it is apparent that she feels uncomfortable talking about the subject by saying that she doesn’t know how to start the conversation and adds that there is a lot of shame when the subject of sex is discussed, and Mark goes on to prove this, by lying.

Jane in her headspace
We haven’t had sex in two weeks now. He clearly prefers watching pornography over having real sex with me. Why on Earth wouldn’t he want to have sex with me then?

Mark in this headspace
Why is she making a big deal about it? Many people watch porn. I just don’t get her.

A week later

Jane in her headspace
But why is this the case? Does he have an addiction? Is he too shy to tell me what he likes? And therefore the only way he can live out his fantasies is to watch certain pornographic content?! Or
is there something wrong with me? Am I out of shape? Am I not good enough? But in that case, why is he with me then? Is it because he’s got no other options? Is he lonely? I just feel undesired.

Mark in his headspace
Why do I watch porn? Was I alone for too long that I got used to it and now that I’m in a relationship I cannot get out of the habit of watching porn? I feel confused. Sometimes, I just feel way too tired to have proper full-on sex.

The dynamics of their conversation and individual thoughts will be grounded in scientific facts in the article that follows – ‘Sexuality in the 21st Century’ by Tatiana E.M